Dir: Jen Soska, Sylvia Soska, 2015
A typical, run of the mill prison film. Nothing spectacular about it except to see Dean Cain’s fall from the Hollywood Hot club.
Cain is an unoriginal respected cop with an unoriginal, very unmacho name, Mason Danvers. He arrests a big wig criminal by the name of Victor Abbott, played the 7ft hulking The Big Show.
Abbott gets off the charge and finds his way to Danvers house where he kills his wife. Abbott is arrested and sent to Stonewall prison.
Filled with grief, Danvers kills Abbott’s brother in at attempt to deliberately get sent to Stonewall prison where he can exact justice for his wife.
The story has been done a million times before in a million other B-movies. It plays out the same, the characters are the same. Nothing is different. Not one iota.
Did you ever see Doing Hard Time? If you did then you’ve seen this. How about any of The Longest Yard films or The Mean Machine? Yeah? Then you’ve seen this.
The erstwhile Superman flaps his bingo wings and sucks in his gut all the while grimacing like he’s well ‘ard! Sorry, mate. But you’re not.
Watching Cain is like seeing Steven Seagal on a bad day. He’s not an action star. He can’t carry it off. I have no idea what The Soska sisters were thinking when they agreed to do this film. It just comes across as a TV movie.
Maybe it was meant to be a spoof and we weren’t let in on it because it is unintentionally funny. The lengths the wardrobe department go to to hide his flab is very amusing. The Twisted Twins should have made it part of the film. A flawed hero. That would’ve worked.
I think, really, I’m just in shock at how somebody who was once a fantasy in every woman’s mind with his ripped figure and six pack has become so overweight and unkempt. My missus didn’t believe me when I said it was him. She doesn’t fancy him, now!
Neither of the sisters have any idea about editing. Everything is so choppy and leaves many unanswered plot holes it becomes infuriating. Such as how a prison guard becomes his ally when he tortures the a member of Abbott’s gang. We don’t see them strike up any conversation. Maybe they met at Weight Watchers.
No thought went into any of this film. Not the writing, filming, the creation, production, nothing.
Thankfully, it’s a short film and it does provide a modicum of cheesy entertainment purely because of how bad it is.
If you want a no brainer that doesn’t ask for your concentration or anything real interest then give it a go. It’ll pass an hour and a half on.